A Knight Seeks Out Good Fatherly Role Models: A Critique of TV Dads
What we can learn and try not to learn from TV and movies
In recent years, I started a new tradition of spending my Father’s Day (and adjacent days) watching movies or TV shows that exemplify fatherhood, hoping that my kids will absorb the lessons too. This became challenging because almost all movies and TV shows portray a negative or cynical view of fatherhood. Why? First, because the unfortunate state of fatherhood is a reality that is mirrored on TV. Second, because in TV sitcoms, dads are the easiest target to be the butt of all jokes, and dads won’t gather together into a PAC to complain or file a lawsuit like other special interest groups. Third, broken father/family relationships is big drama and drama/trauma is the main origin story for a lot of TV & movie plotlines. And fourth, there is an agenda to deconstruct the traditional family (which I will not delve into in this article but perhaps in future articles).
There are many online lists and conversations about “Who is the best TV dad?” but in my opinion almost none of the TV dads are anything close to a good role model for would-be fathers out there. Why? As mentioned, all too often they are either the butt of the jokes or the cause of the problem for the other characters. Even the dads that are “lovable” are severely flawed such that the other characters have learn to succeed despite him. Here are a few examples:
Tim Allen, as either Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor in “Home Improvement” or as Mike Baxter in “Last Man Standing” is a seen, by many, as a good father character, but only because the standard is so low. He causes many of the problems that he ends up fixing later, and only begrudgingly does he decide to leave behind his work or hobby to be involved in the personal issues of his wife & kids. He’s lovable, but still far from an ideal model father.
Bill Cosby, as Heathcliff Huxtable in “The Cosby Show” is still considered by many as a gold-standard dad, one who is good provider, seems caring and concerned, yet lacks self-control and is seen sneaking out to secretly take a few bites out of a big submarine sandwich without his wife noticing. Lovable, but not a man of confidence, virtue or fortitude. Note* I am not critiquing the entertainment value of these shows. They are very funny and enjoyable. I am evaluating their usefulness as a role model for young men to learn how to become a father, because where else (if one did not have a good father) would a man learn?
John Wayne, in his many roles (“The Cowboys,” for example) had a lot of great qualities of virtue and fortitude (“True Grit” as Maddie would say), yet he rarely had any children of his own, and seemed to always back away from that responsibility (because he knew his freelance cowboy lifestyle would be difficult on the wife to accept).
Beyond that, with only a few exceptions, almost every other TV dad is worse, more like a teenage boy in mentality who is always on the couch watching TV.
When growing up, my TV / movie role model was James Bond, and his character never had any children (despite his many prominently shown opportunities). I always liked how he stayed cool under pressure, had a plan but knew how to improvise, how to appear like everything was under control. A good role model for a single man, but leaves us lacking in demonstrating how that looks like when defusing the ticking time bombs of domestic life.
While not a movie of fatherhood, the movie “High Noon” is inspirational to any of you men who are facing alone a seemingly unwinnable fight. You call out for help, but none comes. You hear all the excuses. You make excuses yourself.
Inevitably, you realize that a man cannot run from his duties. Reality must be faced. When you abandon your post, the job does not disappear. It simply passes to the next man, who now has twice the work. This is a daily reality in the life of a father.
Someone had suggested an old TV show “Little House on the Prairie,” which ran from 1974 - 1983. I was young when it aired, so I don’t remember watching it. I watched an episode recently and, aside from the fact that it was a little sappy, as most shows were, I enjoyed the portrayal of the father character, Charles “Pa” Ingalls. Here is what stood out about him that should be common in men:
He made the decision, on his own, to move his whole family, from the woods of Wisconsin to the prairie of Kansas, based on his own dreams and vision and guidance from God.
He took responsibility for everything that happened along that journey. When the wagon encountered a river, he was resolute and trusted that it would be able to cross, and when it was stuck in the river he jumped in the water to lead the horses out. He focused on what was important at the moment for getting his family across, not on the mistakes, which he later admitted and apologized for.
When his daughter was angry at him for (seemingly) not caring about the whereabouts of the family’s watchdog, he waited patiently for her to calm down and then had an honest conversation with her and cleared up the misunderstanding.
He maintained a cheerful, playful disposition in the face of adversity. When his wife & kids were scared, he admitted too that he was scared, but he showed that it is okay to be scared and still move forward with his plans.
After every successful overcoming of a challenge, he thanked God.
That’s how a good father should be portrayed. Strong, but flexible. Laughing in the face of danger. Harsh and then quickly forgiving. Accepting the reality of the temporary emotions but not dwelling on them.
We do need good fatherly role models in our culture. Yes, parents should be our primary role model, but not everyone has that, and everyone could always use more good examples. The popular art & entertainment of a culture dictates where it will trend in the long-run, so it is something we must factor into our daily consumption habits.
We need not necessarily a perfect dad, but definitely not the “lovable loser” types that are portrayed ubiquitously throughout TV and movies. We need someone who can adjust to the ups and downs of family life.
Non nobis, brothers, fathers and husbands. You may have your hobbies, awards and achievements, but your family is your legacy.
Charles Ingalls is a great TV father/dad. Great article.